Night Owl 6/Night Owl's Shareware - PDSI-006 - Night Owl Corp (1990).iso/018a/jokes_14.zip/JOKES#14.TXT

Text File | 1991-09-08 | 40KB | 1,193 lines

What do Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Husain (sp) have in common?

They both have curds in their wey!!



 You might be a redneck if...
   ...you have ever used lard in bed.
   ...you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
   ...you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
   ...you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
   ...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
   ...someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
   ...your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips
      before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
   ...the primary color of your car is Bondo.
   ...directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
   ...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
   ...you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
   ...you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
   ...Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
   ...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
   ...you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty
      milk jug in the car.
   ...you have a rag for a gas cap.
   ...the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
   ...you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car
      should be.
   ...you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
   ...you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message
      "For a good time call _______."
   ...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
   ...Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
   ...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work
   ...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
   ...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
   ...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
   ...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
   ...your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
   ...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
   ...you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem
      changed to "Free Bird."
   ...you call the boss "dude."
   ...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
   ...you consider your license plate personalized because your father
      made it.
   ...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your
      appearance.
   ...you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a
      freebie at the House of Tattoos.
   ...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry as an
      opening on the lube rack.
   ...you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
   ...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
   ...anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
   ...your family tree is a straight line.
   ...you own more cowboy boots and sneakers.
   ...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
   ...you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
   ...you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
   ...you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
   ...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
   ...your think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
   ...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
   ...you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup
      trucks than cars.
   ...your all-time favorite move is Cannonball Run.
   ...you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.



The little girl was walking in the garden. She happened to see a peacock, a
bird she had never seen before.  After gazing in silent admiration, she ran
into the house and cried out, "Oh, Granny, come and see.  One of your chickens

is in bloom!"



The lady they sawed in half at the circus has finally retired.
She now lives in Chicago... and New Orleans!



A five-year-old, visiting a farm for the first time, was looking at a fat sow
lying in a pen. Said the farmer, "She's mighty big, isn't she?"

"You bet," said the youngster. "I just saw six little piggies blowing her up a

few minutes ago."



A small boy, told not to go swimming in a nearby pond, came home with his hair

wet. He told his mother he had fallen into the water.

"Then why aren't your clothes wet too?" she asked..

"Well," he replied, "I had a hunch I might fall in so I took off my clothes
and hung them on a limb."



One little boy said he was attending the wrong school. "I can't read and I
can't write," he complained, "and they won't let me talk!"


If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.



There are three reasons why she likes teaching....June, July, and August!



What's the difference between lawyers and catfish?  Well, one is a low-down,
scum-sucking scavenger.  The other is a fish.



What's the difference between an Alabama coed and a catfish?  One has whiskers

and smells.  The other is a fish.....



Although there were only enough cookies for each child to have three at a
party for little folks, young Bobby took four.

"You're supposed to get only 3 cookies, Bobby, " said the hostess. "You ought
to put the fourth one back."

"Can't," exclaimed Bobby. "I ate that one first."



"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it
faster, too."



Have you heard that Pee Wee has changed his "style" of comedy?

From now on he is only going to do slap-stick!



The guy down the street has a great new job (his words)......He is going to be

Pee Wee's right hand man!


What did Dahmer say to Pee Wee?

Stop playing with your food!



The Pope convenes the College of Cardinals and announces to them:

"Excellent brethren, I have some good news for you ... and some bad news.

The good news is that I have spoken with our Lord, and His return in glory is
imminent!  He wants us to arrange the rental of some soccer stadiums and other

places for the Last Judgement, prepare for the Resurection and join in
establishing the Kingdom of God.

Yes, after all these centuries, His Second Coming is at hand!"

"Why, Holy Father, with such marvelous good news, how can there ever be any
bad news again?" replied the cardinals.

"Well... you see... He was calling from Salt Lake City."



What are Peww Wee Hermans favorite Baseball teams?

       The EXPOS and the YANKS!



Q: Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.



Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know
practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up

knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.



What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.



A teacher asked her children to draw pictures of Christmas to hang up in the
windows.  One student drew a picture of the Nativity, with Mary, Joseph, the
Christ-child, 3 wise men, etc.  Off to one side was an extra figure, a very
portly sort of fellow with a large stomach.  When the teacher asked who that
was, the student replied "That's round John Virgin!"



Fred Abernathy was a devoted reader of the obituary column of his local paper.

All of Fred's friends knew of this habit, so one day they decided to play a
trick on him by placing his name and picture in the obituaries.

The following morning Fred picked up his newspaper, turned to the obituary
page, and there he saw his name, his biography and his photo.  Startled, he
went to the telephone and rang up his pal, George.  "Listen," he said. "Do you

have the morning paper?  You do?  Please turn to the obituary page.  You
have?   What do you see in the second column?"

There was a pause, then George said, "Holy smoke!  It's you, Fred!
It's you all right! Listen, where are you calling from?"



At the death of Nikita Kruschev many years ago, a humorous story circulated in

political circles.  The Communist party that had cast Mr. Kruschev aside was
uncomfortable with the idea of burying his body on Soviet soil.  They first
called the President of the United States, Richard Nixon, and asked if the
U.S. would take Kruschev's corpse.  Nixon had his own problems at the time and

declined.  Then the Soviet leaders tried Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel.

Mrs. Meir was agreeable but she added, "I must warn you that this country has
the world's highest resurrection rate."



Soon after the 1929 crash, a cemetery was forced to put up a sign:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.



A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome.  He told his friend, the local

barber, all about it one day while having his hair cut.

"How will you get there?"

"I'm going on Alitalia."

"No-not them," said the barber, "They have a terrible reputation. Where will
you stay?"

"At the Rome Hilton."

"Forget it," said his friend, "I hear their hotel there is abysmal.  When you
get there what will you do?"

"Why, I'm going to see the Pope."

"Come on.  Who are you?  You're not famous or well-known.  Don't be
ridiculous!"

A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again.  "So, you never got
to Rome, did you?"

"Oh, yes, I did!  Alitalia was a wonderful airline.  And the Hilton hotel was
magnificent.  And I did get to see the Pope."

"Well, what happened?" asked the barber anxiously.

"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

"You're kidding!  What did he say?"

"He looked at me and said, `Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?'"



"Dear Sir:

When I subscribed a year ago, you stated that if I was not satisfied at the
end of the year I could have my money back.  Well, I would like to have it
back.  On second thought, to save you the trouble, you may apply it to my next

year's subscription."



William Howard Taft was trying to deliver a political speech.  The audience
was full of hecklers and critics.  At one point, one of the hecklers tossed a
head of cabbage onto the stage, barely missing Taft.  Taft paused for a
moment, peered at the cabbage, and then said calmly, "Ladies and gentlemen, I
see that one of my opponents has lost his head."



The squeaky tenor had just concluded. The applause was less than warm.  But
one member of the audience was exclaiming, "Extraordinary! Wonderful!
Unbelievable!"

"Pardon me," said a puzzled man sitting in the next seat. "You astound me.  I
think I may claim some knowledge of the subject, and I think his voice was
very poor."

"Voice?"  said the other man . "I wasn't thinking of his voice. I was praising

his nerve!"



Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a gentlemen in the
back pew turned his head to one side, put his hand to his ear, and said,
"Louder."  The preacher raised his voice somewhat and continued with his
sermon, which was not too interesting.  After a few minutes the man said
again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and continued on, but by now
the sermon had become quite boring.  The man said again, "Louder!" At this
point a man on the front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to
the man in the rear.  "What's the matter, can't you hear?"

"No," said the man in the back.

"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back to join you."



What's the difference between a poodle and a pit bull humping your leg?

The pit bull gets to finish.



Dairy Queen:   Milk man in high heels.



You can see the relationship between Ted Turner and Jane Fonda is affecting
her new workout video.   She keeps moving to the right.



The good thing about inflation is that homeowners can live in a more expensive

neighborhood without the hassle of moving.



I think my bank is in trouble.  Right next to the pens chained to the desk,
they've chained the bank president.



I should have known the bank was in trouble.  The calendar they gave me only
went up to March.



I must have an immense quantity of mind.  It takes so long to make it up.

  --Mark Twain



When Willie Mays was a rookie, he faced another future Hall of Famer, Warren
Spahn, on the pitcher's mound sixty feet six inches away.  Mays creamed one of

Spahn's pitches over the fence for his first big-league home run.  Asked later

about the pitch, Spahn said, "Well, it looked great for the first sixty feet"



When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player and join the
circus.  With the Yankees I've accomplished both.

   --Craig Nettles



My doctor takes no chances.  Before operating on me, he gave me a pre-surgery
credit-scan.



A man was hit by a car, and as he lay in the street waiting for an ambulance,
an onlooker covered him with a jacket and propped his head on a pillow.

"Are you comfortable?" the helper asked.

The injured man replied, "I make a living."



Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across
the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.

   --Charles Kuralt



Attorney: someone who writes a 4 page document and calls it a brief.



This weekend the Road Runner Club is sponsoring a marathon just for lawyers.
The pace car is an ambulance.



Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.



Old realtors never die; they just get listless.



My brother-in-law works at the same company I do--he's our anchor man.  We
call him that because he keeps us from moving forward.



My father is a very highly respected accountant--a ledger in his own time.



When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

    --Goethe



A New York cab driver picked up an Englishman at the airport "You're British,
right?"

"Indeed," replied the tourist

"Well, here's a famous American riddle for you.  I'm thinking of someone who
has the same father and mother as I do, but is not my sister or my brother.
Who can it be?"

The Brit frowned, tugged at his mustache, and after a long pause replied, '
very well, I give up--who can it be?"

"Me," the driver laughed.

The passenger thought a minute and then began laughing along with the cabbie.

After returning to his home in England, he decided to try the riddle on his
friends.

`While traveling in the States, I picked up this delightful American riddle:
I'm thinking of someone who has the same parents I have, but the person is not

my sister or brother.  Can you guess of whom am I thinking?"

The group thought, tried various possibilities, and finally gave up. "Stymied!

Of whom ARE you thinking?"

He flung his head back, slapped his knee and laughed, "He's a New York cab
driver!"



My friend doesn't know how to communicate well with his kids.  When they
complained that he wasn't giving them enough quality time, he bought each of
them a Rolex.



The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have
a common enemy.

    --Sam Levenson



My daughter told me she wants to be a seismologist, so I enrolled her
in the School of Hard Knocks.



There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.



The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.



I developed a great incentive for doing sit-ups.  I put M&Ms between my toes.



In the late 1600's the finest musical instruments came from three rural
families whose workshops were side by side in the Italian village of Cremona
Outside the shop of the Arnatis hung a sign which read, 'The Best violins In
All Italy." Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors, the Guarnieris, hung

a sign proclaiming 'The Best Violins In All The World!" At the end of the
street was the workshop of Anton Stradivarius, and on his front door was a
simple notice which read, 'The Best Violins On The Block."



When men and women get married, they need a marriage license. What do lesbians

need?

A licker license.



Christmas is a strange time of year.  That's when people celebrate the birth
of the Prince of Peace by buying toy rockets, submarines, artillery, and hand
grenades for their children.



The Parents' Prayer: "May this be the Christmas when Barbie goes out, gets
herself a job, and buys her own darn clothes.



It's a good idea to send the kids to bed early on Christmas Eve.  It gives
fathers a few more hours to play with their toys.



The cheapest place to meet for the holidays is Grandma's house - unless you're

Grandpa.



Banks never seem to get totally into the holiday spirit.  My bank sent me a
card that said, "Have a Happy Holiday.  If You Are Already Having A Happy
Holiday, Please Disregard This Notice."



An office party is an event that's on your schedule for an hour, on your
conscience for a week, and on your personnel record forever.



One hot item this year is a jigsaw puzzle of the old phone company.  It's for
people who want to put it back together.



A grandmother was sitting on the beach watching her young grandson.  He had on

his little hat, his little sunsuit, and was playing with his little bucket and

shovel.  Suddenly a big wave came and swept the child out to sea.  The
grandmother fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, God please return my
grandchild.  He is such a sweet boy, such a good boy, such a wonderful
child."  Miraculously, another big wave returned the child to the exact spot
where he had been before--unhurt still in his little sunsuit, still holding
his little bucket and shovel.  The grandmother looked to the heavens, threw up

her arms, and said, "He had a hat.  .  ."



Perfection: that quality unique to the person your spouse could have married.



One man decided to have a manicure along with his shave at the barbershop.

"How about going out with me tonight?" he asked the manicurist.

"I'm sorry, but I can't," replied the woman.  "I'm married."

"So what? Just tell the old fool you have to work late tonight."

"Why don't you tell him yourself?" asked the manicurist.  "He's the one
shaving you."



A magazine sent a notice addressed to Ralph Fowler, that his subscription had
expired.  The notice came back with a hand-written note saying, "So has
Ralph."



A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.  He kept
getting his orders mixed up.  One woman received flowers sent by her husband,
who was at a business meeting in Florida.  She was perplexed by the message on

her card: "Our deepest sympathy."  But she was not nearly as surprised as the
woman whose husband had just passed away.  Her card read, "Hotter here than I
expected.  Too bad you didn't come too."



Santa Claus and an elf were having an argument. Santa said there were 49
states, and the elf said there were 50. Finally the elf went through Santa's
list of states and found the one that was missing.  With a big smile, he said
to Santa, "Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia!"



Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas
season are: "Peace on Earth," "Good will to men," and "Batteries not
included."



A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod--one that did not admit Jews.  The
desk clerk looked down at his book and said,  "Sorry, no room.  The hotel is
full."  The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit
Jews.  Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted
to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"



One woman to another as they looked at a manger scene and stained glass
windows in a downtown store window in windy Chicago, "Humph, look at that,
will ya. The church is trying to horn in on Christmas!"



Children's letters to Santa:  "Dear Santa, My folks are getting the toys; you
just bring the batteries...Matt."



"Just go out there and give your sermon with fire and determination.  You're
not afraid of the congregation, are you?"

"Oh, no,"  smiled the vicar.  "The choir and I have them outnumbered."



Dad criticized the sermon, Mother thought the organist made a lot of
mistakes.  Sister didn't like the choir's singing.  But they all shut up when
Billy chipped in with the remark: "I think it was a darn good show for a
dime."



Two ladies, dressed to the hilt in their Easter Finery, were making slow
progress in the crowd headed for the entrance to the church.  Finally one of
them burst out impatiently, "Now wouldn't you think that these people who do
nothing but go to church Sunday after Sunday would stay home on Easter and
leave room for the rest of us!"

A Saturday night backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on
Sunday mornings.  The pastor was highly gratified and told him,

"How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Parson,"  said the prodigal, "it's a matter of choice--I'd rather hear
your sermon than hers."



American evangelist Billy Graham tells the amusing story of a fire which broke

out in a small-town church.  When the fire brigade, siren wailing, arrived on
the spot the minister recognized one of the men.  "Hello, there.  Jim I
haven't seen you in church for a long time,"  he chided.

"Well,"  answered the sweating man, struggling with the hose, "there hasn't
been a fire in church for a long time."



Golf pro: "Now just go through the motions without hitting the ball."
Beginner: "That's precisely the trouble I'm trying to overcome."



First golfer: "Shall we play again next Saturday?"
Second golfer: "Well, I was going to get married on Saturday, but I can put it

off."



    There were two kids in the 3rd grade one was black and one was white.

    Which one had the bigger dick?
    The black kid, he's 18.


Joe and Bob are playing golf, and Joe's ball ends up in the woods.  Bob says,
"you'll never see that ball again."  Joe says, "no, I'm using a very special
ball.  It can't get lost.  If it ends up in the rough, it sends up flares.  If

it goes in the water, it inflates pontoons and floats to the surface.  If it
ends up in shadows, it turns on a strobe light.  You can't lose this ball."

Sure enough, they hear a loud beeping from the woods, and Joe follows the
noise to his ball.  Bob says, "That's amazing!  Where can I buy one of those?"

Joe replies, "I don't know -- I found this one."



I've got one even worse straight from a friend who does computer support.  The

secretary couldn't get the disk in right.  He tried every way he knew to make
sure she was putting it in the right way...Is the label on the top, left?,
etc.  Finally he figures it out (these were 5 1/4 disks), that she was putting

them in *with the paper sleeve still on*.

So he tells her to take the sleeve off and just put the disk in....now, the
disks are getting stuck in the machine and she's having to retrieve them with
a pair of pointy scissors....after a while, to make a woeful story short...he
figures out she had cut off the plastic covering and was trying to insert the
bare circular media into the drive....



World to be destroyed be meteor tonight at 8:00PM.  Film at 11:00.



A graduate student working on juvenile delinquency reported in a sociology
seminar that he was having difficulty collecting data.  His project was to
telephone a dozen homes around 9 PM and ask the parents if they knew where
their children were at that hour.

"My first five calls," he lamented, "were answered by children who had no idea

where their parents were!"



Dear Mom and Dad:

Everything is OK, well, almost everything -- you see, I have a terrible
headache about every half hour.  I've been having this headache ever since I
jumped from my dormitory during the fire.  A fine looking young man was
passing my window when he saw the flames leaping from the window.  He was kind

enough to call the fire department and ambulance.  Since my furniture was
burned up and my room destroyed, I have been staying at this young man's
apartment.  I thought seriously about marrying him but I know how you feel
about mixed marriages.  We are trying to decide however, whether or not I
should get an abortion.

Now I really don't want you to worry any.  In fact, Mom and Dad, none of the
above happened to me.  I don't have a headache.  There was not a fire in the
dorm, and I didn't meet a young man with whom I'm living, nor am I pregnant.

I am writing this letter to tell you that I've just received my report card.
I have three D's and two F's.  I just thought, if I put this in a different
perspective, it would sound better!

Your loving daughter


Louis Armstrong, the legendary master of the trumpet, had signed an exclusive
contract with a recording company.  At one point during the term of the
contract, the recording company heard Armstrong's strong and distinctive horn
on another label.  They called him in for a meeting and presented their case.

Louis Armstrong then proved himself to be an equal master of comedic
reconciliation.  He said, "I didn't do it--and I'll never do it again."  Both
sides leveled with the other but laughter allowed the relationship to
continue.



Humor is an ideal tension breaker.  Some months after his defeat in the
Presidential race of 1984, former Vice President Walter Mondale was giving a
talk about terrorism at the American Bar Association convention in London.  As

reported in THE WASHINGTON POST, suddenly there was an explosion.  Security
men jumped to their feet and the audience stiffened.  It quickly became
apparent that the noise had come from an exploding TV camera light.
Unfortunately, this was immediately followed by fire sprinklers going into
action, drenching the occupants of the room.  Mondale looked around and then
observed, "Once you're out of office, you find there is very little dignity in

this world."



Frederick R.  Kappel, then chairman and C.E.O.  of the American Telephone and
Telegraph Co., was conducting its annual shareholders' meeting.

The meeting, a volatile one, was now in its fourth hour.  Kappel had fielded
many tough questions, the hour was late, the large audience ready to go home.

But a woman who's made a specialty of attending corporate annual meetings, had

still another question to ask.  She was unhappy with the magnitude of
corporate contributions to good causes.

"Mr.  Chairman,"  she asked, "how much did AT&T give to charity?"

"Ten million dollars last year,"  Kappel answered.

The woman said mockingly, "I think I'm going to faint."

Kappel said, "That would be very helpful."  Laughter and applause from the
audience.  Control was back with the speaker.  Humor scores again!


The florist was also a bad speller.  A politician returning from a national
convention had a lot of explaining to do.  The card that came with her flowers

read, "Having the time of my life--wish you were her."



A doctor and a lawyer were having a friendly discussion during a cocktail
party when a woman interrupted to ask the doctor about her sore knee.  He
talked at length about various methods of relief ranging from compresses to
pain-killing tablets.

After the woman left, he turned to the lawyer in exasperation, "I think I
should send her a bill, don't you?"

"Yes," replied the lawyer, "I think you should."

So in the next day's mail the woman received her bill from the doctor at about

the same time the doctor got one from the lawyer.



Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.--Mark Twain



My uncle is a criminal lawyer.  Somehow, that sounds redundant.



My psychiatrist just told me to remember that the best things in life are
free.  That advice cost me fifty bucks.



I know a guy who is never on time for a doctor's appointment - he's my doctor.



My doctor is thorough.  He gives me a stress test every time I visit him.
It's his bill.



Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
ask it again.

He then asked her her weight.  She once again told him that she wouldn't
answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again she

told him that it was not a question he should ask, and to not ask that
question again.  He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse.  She asked what he
was doing and as he turned towards his mother, he beamingly told her he had
found all of the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you are 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced
you because you got an 'F' in sex."



A young man filled out a job application. He handed it to the manager of
the employment office.

"Excuse me," the manager said, "but you left off something here. You say your
birthday is October 24. May I ask you which year?"

The young man looked puzzled, then answered, "Why, every year, of course."



The newly rich woman was going through a a "culture"  routine and at this
particular moment was standing in front of a painting at New York's famous
Metropolitan Museum.  It was a beautiful oil of a ragged but happy vagabond.

"Well"  exclaimed the woman indignantly.  "How do you like that?  Too broke to

buy a decent suit of clothes, but he can afford to go out and get his portrait

painted."



A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition
in a newly opened gallery recently.  Suddenly one contemporary painting caught

her eye.

"What on earth,"  she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly.  "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother
and her child."

"Well, then,"  snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"



Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a
room of modern sculpture.  Staring at the  twisted pipes, broken glass, and
tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us

of wrecking this place."



When the lady who was making out the application came to the little square
marked "Age,"  she did not hesitate.  She simply wrote: "Atomic".



There was a little book from Doubleday titled, DEAR GOD, CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO

GOD. One young man wrote, "Dear God, was there anything special about
Bethlehem or did you just figure that that was as good a place as any to start

a franchise?  Your friend, Jim age 12."



We may be like one young man I heard about whose grandmother sent him a shirt
for Christmas. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt
was size 12. When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, "Dear Grandma,

thanks a lot for the shirt. I'd write more, but I'm all choked up."



 Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do

you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we
needed worse."



The way house costs are growing these days, a man's home is- his
hassle!



Is a priest who dresses up for a costume party a blessing in disguise?

If a police woman pulls over her heart-throb for a traffic violation, is it
cardiac arrest?



As a consequence of the Persian Gulf activity a military mans says his
children will be watching "The Saudi Duty Show."

He himself looks forward to the touching tale of how a Kuwaiti navy captain,
his seven singing children and their nanny fled the Republican Guard and
escaped across- the Saudi border: "The Sound of Muezzins"!



"It's spring and I've been busy putting in seeds for a vegetablegarden.
However, my terrier pup follows and digs them up as soon  as I've planted!
This has caused me to hire a group of rabbits from a nearby forest preserve to

help put the seeds in again -- they're known as my "reseeding hare line."

For your true classified ads I offer the followiny which I learned when I was
studyiny TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) at the University of
Toronto.  The professor swore these were actual ads:

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in
a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D.  Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Pbone 948-0707

after 7 P.M..  and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.  It should

have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.  Phone [phone] and ask for Mrs.

Kelly,  who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D.  Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday.  The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D.  Jones has one

sewing machine for sale.  Cheap.  Phone [phone] after 7 P.M.  and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.  I smashed
it.  Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.  I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.  Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!



A professor who had taught for many years was counseling a young teacher.
"You will discover,"  he said, "that in nearly every class, there will be a
youngster eager to argue.  Your first impulse will be to silence him, but I
advise you to think carefully before doing so.  He probably is the only one
listening."



The clothes that make a woman break a man.



She: "The contralto certainly has a large repertoire."
He: "Yes and that tight dress sure shows it off."



A woman wears a sweater to accentuate the positive and a girdle to eliminate
the negative.



Mother had bought father a new tie for his birthday.  "I wonder what would go
best with it," she asked, after he had opened the package.  Father eyed the
violet-colored horror, and exclaimed, "A beard."



Down South for a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely.
When he called for her at her home, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting
gown.  He remarked, "That's a beautiful dress."

"Sho 'nough?"  she drawled.

"It sure does."



Do you see the Pillsbury Dough Boy as a roll model?



There are certain "givens"  in family life.  For example, when you're all
dressed up for a night out the first child to kiss you goodbye is the one
who's been finger painting.



Life deals some funny turns.  Take shaving for instance.  I've never seen any
man get bald on the face.



I'm normally not a joiner, but I just signed up with an organization called
The Meek Against Inheriting The Earth.



"Fat"  is such an ugly word.  When it comes to food, I prefer to be called
"pro choice."



Being fat is its own reward.  Not once has anyone ever asked me to help re-
shingle a roof.



Television: chewing gum for the eyes.



Graffiti on the wall of a physics building at a state university:

               "Love makes the world go round-- with a little help
                from intrinsic angular momentum."



They say the number of criminals is still rising.  Where are we going to put
them all? Prisons and government are already overflowing.


Politics isn't such a bad profession.  If you succeed, you can become
president.  If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.



The Latin professor arrived home late, his jacket torn, his trousers soiled,
his hat battered and his eyeglasses bent.

"Professor!"  exclaimed his housekeeper, "Whatever happened to you?"

"Why, I scarcely know,"  said the professor, seating himself gently. "I was
crossing the street when, without provocation of any sort, I was suddenly
assaulted by two hoodla."



A witness was called to the stand to testify about a head-on automobile
collision.  "Whose fault was this accident?"  the lawyer asked.

"As near as I could tell,"  replied the witness, "they hit each other at about

the same time."



A Department of Agriculture report said there may not be enough turkeys to go
around this year.  How can that be, with Thanksgiving and elections in the
same month?



The following is a verbatim transcript of a sentence imposed in 1881 upon a
defendant convicted of murder in the Federal District Court of the Territory
of New Mexico.  The judge who imposed the sentence was a United States judge.

The trial was held in Taos, NM, in an adobe stable being used as a temporary
courtroom.

"Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be Spring.
The snows of Winter will flee away, and the ice will vanish, and the air will
become soft and balmy.  In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the
annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be
there."

"The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea, the timid desert flowers
will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of this imperial
domain will blossom as the rose.  Still, you won't be here to see."

"From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song,
butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it
pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle breeze will tease the tassels of
the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be
glad, but you.  You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or

some other officers of the country to lead you out to some remote spot, swing
you by the neck from a notting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang
until you are dead."

"And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such
officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures
may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain
but bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty,
throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch!"

United States of America vs Gonzales (1881)
United States District Court, New Mexico Territory Sessions